When I woke up this morning, I felt nothing but a blizzard of emotions. My anxiety began rising, my fears latched onto me, and my self-doubt devoured me. I found myself slipping back into dark, destructive thoughts. My comforter enveloped me; I had no intention of leaving my bed. It was warm, safe. As I began to rationalize my unwillingness to get out of bed, there was an abrupt pause within my mind.
“You want to make these changes, yet you’re reverting into bad habits. Are you moving forward or are you content with being stagnant?”
That question sparked a flame within me, yet I remained doubtful. The overwhelming emotions continued; I wanted to sink beneath the covers. I was preparing to accept defeat when the flame suddenly ignited into an inferno. I knew I had to do something quickly before I changed my mind. I threw the comforter off myself and shot upright in bed, making sure I wouldn’t hide from the world.
Inhale in; exhale out.
I repeated the actions until I felt a sense of calm, then I took hold of my cards. With one hand holding the cards, the other rested atop them; I closed my eyes to pray, asking for guidance and clarity. Each draw of the cards sparked different feelings, but I wasn’t sure what to make of the spread as a whole.
Inhale in; exhale out.
My focus remained on the spread as I attempted to decipher it, but I struggled for a moment. Confusion showered me. I couldn’t understand the messages being relayed to me until I realized what I was doing wrong. My need to control the situation was holding me back. As I read the cards, I was trying to figure it out on my own by analyzing each one for their literal meanings. It wasn’t until I released control of the situation that the messages became clear.
(Card #1) Relationships: Whether it’s with my partner, my family, or my friends, I need to take time to nurture those relationships. I also need to nurture my relationship with myself. I have to work on being more positive with my behavior and view myself in an honest light.
(Card #2) Balance: There’s somewhere in my life where I need to achieve balance. I need to focus on what needs more attention and realize what I have been focusing too much on. I have to learn to let go to achieve the abundance that balance can offer in my life.
(Card #3) Psychic Development: I need to continue developing my gifts, connecting to my higher self will provide the answers to my questions. It will additionally develop new wisdom not just for myself, but for others, too. I need to nurture the process and my gifts.
(Base Card; Back of the pile) Holistic Health: I need to release what no longer serves me and focus on the positive changes my mind, body, and spirit are calling me to do. I am the only person who can create healing in my life that I need.
After dissecting the message, I released a heavy breath of relief. Once again, my mind was clear. I felt at ease, knowing I’m on the right path and doing what needs to be done. It’s easy to overlook the significant progress I’ve made over this last year, but I thank God for the reminder and I thank myself for being open to listening.
Lately, my focus has been on healing old wounds that I’ve held onto the majority of my life, the fears that continue to smother me, the insecurities that persist on plaguing me and the self-love that I’ve been neglecting. I reached a point where I believed I was making significant progress, I was feeling better than I had in a while. Then everything began hitting me when I was filling out job applications and doing telephone interviews. I was heading down the familiar path to an idle life.
Going through the applications and landing interviews should be something to be grateful for, other people in the world pray to have the opportunities I’ve been receiving, but I want to do more in life than sitting at a desk working a 9 to 5 and settling for a paycheck just to get by.
I need more in my life, my soul needs more.
As I sat on my bed with my muddled thoughts, I began to breathe. Slow deep breaths in, slower breaths out. After repeating my concentrated breaths with closed my eyes, gave thanks and prayed. Once my prayers were completed I pulled out my cards and began to shuffle them, asking aloud what it was I needed to know, what I needed to acknowledge to move forward from this point in life, I asked for clarity, then I drew the cards.
My eyes carefully examined the spread before me. I held each card and analyzed it, making sure to study the design work and the feeling each one gave me. The cards pulled were lying on the bed in front of me, I began to interpret the meaning of the spread with the clarity I was seeking and it almost took my breath away. It turns out I had only scratched the surface on the things I had been focusing on.
To truly heal myself, my inner child, I had to dig deep and find a way to forgive myself, not just others. I had to forgive myself for not taking care of myself, for not trusting or loving myself. For allowing others to put me down and for putting myself down. For giving up on myself and my dreams with such ease. The situations I put myself in due to fear or self-loathing… I forgive myself; everything done has brought me here, at this moment, to these realizations.
The other cards revealed I needed to use my inner strength and my determination to achieve my purpose in life. It’s to help people. That may be the most cliche response, but it’s what I need to do. I feel it in my gut, in my bones, but most importantly my heart. It was a feeling of certainty that suddenly seized me and relief overwhelmed me. I’m not sure what I will be doing for work and what I am going to do for a “paycheck”, but I’m not worried about it anymore. I want to help people and I need to help people. If I can help others while I’m maneuvering these journey’s in my life, that’s more than what any check can provide me.
I still have a ways to go, but for the first time I feel confident in a time when there is so much uncertainty hovering. I’m on the right path without any doubts. Now, the real healing has begun.
My experience with chakra reading cards has been eye-opening. Not only have I pulled cards on myself that have been insightful, but some of my close friends have asked if I could pull cards for them and the results have been a little eerie due to the accuracies. I should be excited the readings have been accurate, it means I’m on the right path, but I quickly began to doubt myself and this entire process. This made me question why I’m always so hard on myself and why I feel I won’t succeed regardless of how accurate a reading turns out.
After a long night of not being able to sleep, I decided to write about a card I had pulled for myself earlier in the day. The Inner Child. Pulling that card made perfect sense considering the experiences in my childhood that forced me to grow up at such a young age.
I’m sure I’m not the only one who believes we all have internal wounds that have not properly healed. Some would rather let the past stay buried without addressing it, while others struggle in their day to day lives because the years-old wounds still feel fresh. Unfortunately, I am guilty of the latter and the former. With that being acknowledged, I am trying the best I can to heal said wounds so the inner child within can begin to heal, too.
First, I began to ask myself, “how can I heal my inner child?” I sat with the question for a moment and closed my eyes. Suddenly I imagined my current self sitting across from my younger self. I was upset when I remembered that little girl. She was so innocent and happy, always wanting
to have fun, a joyful child, that is until things came tumbling down. It made me realize how much pain I was enduring this entire time. I had a lot more healing to do than I realized. Even now as I am typing this, my heart is breaking for the girl that I once was.
After meditating and reflecting on how I could heal my inner child, another question came to mind, “Before healing my inner child, what is it exactly that needs healing?” Then the answers began to flow in the form of a letter:
To my inner child,
Regardless of your father not being a constant presence in your life, he still loved you until the day he died. He didn’t know how to be a father due to the absence of his father in his life and his personal struggles he had to endure. You may not get the chance to ask him certain questions you want answers to or get some sort of ‘closure’, but at the end of the day, he was the one that lost out. Not you. That is something he has to deal with on the other side until you’re able to see one another again.
Don’t be afraid to love people. Not every relationship is painful, not every relationship is doomed from the start. What you saw in your young life, that was not love. You will know what real love is, believe me.
No matter what, your family loves you, but you have to understand they come from a different time and place in the world. They might bring you down about your appearance sometimes because that’s what happened to them and they didn’t know how to break that cycle. They are stuck in their ways and sometimes people don’t think they need to change. They want to help and protect you, but they are making you co-dependent, not independent. Their hearts are in the right place, but they don’t go about it the right way. You can break the toxic cycles in your family. You just have to keep your eyes open and be aware of what that is to avoid it.
You need to learn to embrace how different you are. You are black. You are Latina. There will be some people who are black who won’t think you are black enough and not accept you, there will be some Latino’s/Latina’s who will think you aren’t “Spanish” enough and not accept you, there will be some white people who want you as their “token” friend or dislike you because that’s how they were raised. Embrace the fact you are bilingual. That is a gift many people wish they had. So what if the “fluent” speakers think you sound like a “gringa” while you’re speaking Spanish. If they understood you, what’s the problem? Also, there will be days you have what some people define as “good” hair, other days you will ignore the fact that brushes, combs, and products were invented. Your hair is no one’s business but your own.
You can like all types of music regardless of your skin color. Do you want to listen to hip-hop? That’s fine. Do you want to listen to Pop? Salsa? Bachata? Rock? Heavy metal? Classical? Jazz? You can like/listen to whatever you want to. Plus, you might even teach someone a thing or two about something they never knew existed because of your interests in so many different things. It makes you less boring than the rest.
It’s okay to like girls AND boys. Even before you knew what relationships were, you liked them both. You would watch Janet Jackson on MTV and be completely smitten by everything about her, then you felt the same way when an Aerosmith video came on and Joe Perry was on that guitar (very unique taste, to say the least). You felt the same way for them both. Even though you were raised to think that wasn’t “a lifestyle” for you and it forced you to hate yourself for having those natural feelings, I’m telling you that it is okay. You can love who you want to love, as long as they treat you the way you deserve and you remain the good person you are. Live your life the way you like, while minding your own business. Don’t worry about what other people are thinking or saying, they are irrelevant. Make sure you don’t forget to love yourself. And love others, no matter how similar or different they are to you.
Love God. Don’t forget that God loves you. He knows what your heart says when you can’t find the right words. Don’t let anyone make you think otherwise.
It might take you a while to understand all of this, but you will get it. Your heart, your mind, and your soul will heal once you accept what I’m telling you. You will go through very rough patches and things will seem dark for a while, but there’s always a light, there’s always a way out. There still is.
Writing this (incomplete) letter to my inner child helped me truly comprehend that some things happened in life to get me to where I am today. I have known that for some time now, but today is the first day I feel the power of that truth. There are still things I need to accomplish this healing process, but this is the step in the right direction.
(Before you read: This is just one of many posts I will be making regarding this topic. This was more of an introduction post than anything else. My apologies if I word vomit in this post, I just needed to write this down and publish it or I would have continued to put it off.)
I shuffled my new, large deck of chakra reading cards in my hands as I inhaled a deep
breath, asking what it is I should write about. I shuffled the cards until I felt it was time to stop, then pulled a “Spiritual Awakening” card. I wasn’t sure how to write about it so I figured I would write what came to heart. Before I begin, I am not an expert in any of this. I have no idea what it is I could call myself, but the point is I’m feeling more myself the more I accept this part of my life. When I do it is with good intentions. There will be people in life that do not believe in any of this, while others throw themselves into the point of no return. As for me, I’m staying in my lane, doing what I need to do for myself and my improvement. I’m not here to make people believe me, I’m solely sharing my experiences.
As a child, before double digits, I would overhear my family members talking about tarot, psychics, spirits, and all of that relating to the supernatural. There was one conversation I overheard a psychic telling my family members that I have a special gift. After that, I get a talk about how I could have gifts when I get older and how these so-called gifts run in our family. It was confusing at first because I didn’t exactly comprehend what was being said, but as I got older, things began to make sense.
There were moments I would feel myself becoming too emotional, so, to cope, I would shut off my emotions altogether. It turns out I pick up on others’ feelings, then I feel what they feel (as well as my feelings) and it would bring me down. There were also dreams I would have growing up where they would make no sense and leave me confused. Now that I am older and able to analyze/reflect on my dreams, they appear to have themes and messages within the chaos. Another thing was my gut feeling. Whenever I had a strong gut feeling, I was always told by family to listen to it. When I did, I avoided awful things such as run-ins with LEO’s when my friends were up to no good or accidents happened that could have been worse than bumps and bruises.
Later on in life, I found out my aunt did things like Candle Magic and could see things that others couldn’t, and my great-great-grandmother was able to read shells and read smoke from a cigar.
I wanted no part in any of these things. It made me feel like a freak for even knowing about these things and I still feel that way at times. It sounds completely ridiculous, but I guess that’s what happens when things are too complicated to understand. Being the person that I am, I prefer when things make sense. But, I have come to realize as more time passes and the harder I fight it, the worse I feel in every way. Lately, I have been more accepting of it and I have been feeling more at ease and more balanced
With that being said, this doesn’t mean I believe or worship a devil or other gods. If others do, that is their prerogative. I believe in God, I believe in Jesus, and I believe that our ancestors and spirit guides play a role in our lives with the help of the higher-ups (haha).
One of the main reasons I had issues with accepting these things was due to Catholic school and reading the bible, and being taught these things so-called gifts were against God. Now that I’m older and have reflected a lot on the matter, I’ve come to the conclusion to stick with my instincts and have a relationship with God that works for me and my spirit in this life journey. I shouldn’t worry about what others are thinking or saying because it shouldn’t matter. What matters is what I do in my life, what type of person I am in this world and how I can use what gifts I have to help find healing in life, whether it be someone else’s life or my own.
Sometimes we allow ourselves to become caught up in the day to day of our lives that we take for granted the simplest tasks. Eating, bathing, access to decent medical care… There are people in this world who do not have access to those things. Sitting back and thinking about it, letting it sink deeply into my thoughts just messes with me.
Someone out there in the world, having some sort of unimaginable grief in their life could be praying right now to have a life that is similar to mine. I’m over here shouting phrases like “fuck my life” or “fucking kill me now” over something ridiculous and someone could be experiencing immense suffering.
I’ll be the first to admit I forget the fact that my situations could be much worse. They were awful at one point yet most of those obstacles were defeated. I don’t have a perfect life, I’ve experienced more than enough pain and trauma and I’m not where I want to be in my life right now, but I should be grateful for the things I have and have access to.
I have my loving, chaotic family, great friends, an amazing boyfriend, a roof over my head, my beautiful Pitty, food to eat, clothes to wear and clean running water. That alone is plenty to be grateful for.
I hope this helps someone out there if they needed to read this as a reminder. I have to post it as a reminder for myself.
We’re not perfect, but acknowledgement–being aware–it’s a powerful thing.