Battle with Forgiveness

“Healing begins with forgiveness”.

Credit: Diona Leigh

For someone like myself who can hold onto a grudge like life depends on it, forgiving is not easy, which is why I laughed when I pulled the “Forgiveness” card. Through this journey of healing, I hadn’t anticipated this process to be as difficult as it has been. In my mind, I figured it’d be as simple as, “okay, stuff happened. It’s in the past and brought me here to my present day. I forgive it, now I can move on and be done with it”.

All the memories, including ones I’d forgotten (buried), came flooding to the forefront of my thoughts on an endless loop. The more my thoughts continued racing, the angrier I was becoming. It felt like I had a dirty bomb lodged in my chest with the crashing waves of emotions coursing through me. I wasn’t sure when I’d go off. Eventually, I allowed my rage to take control and began acting discourteously toward my boyfriend when all he wanted was to figure out what was wrong to help me. By the time I was semi-ready to discuss things, he had gotten in a mood, too.

“Negativity is contagious”.

For the first time that night, we went to bed without giving one another a kiss. We almost didn’t say goodnight, until I forced myself to say it, then he responded impassively with his back facing me. We went to bed angry, which was something I never wanted for us to do.

As I slept, I had a dream. Within the midst of the chaos, certain things were abundantly clear. I could continue pushing him, and others, away or I can set aside my fears, uncertainties, and pride to allow help into my life. When morning came, I kept to myself as I attempted to garner the courage to explain what was going on. After I made myself a cup of tea to help me relax I asked him if we could have a talk in our room. The moment we sat down and I began to express what was happening, all the feelings and the repetitive thoughts that overwhelmed me, the tears began to flow.

 

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Credit: Quotes Cover

Over an hour of divulging decade long secrets, life-long emotional pain, voicing the difficulties of how hard it is to forgive, not only others but myself as well, I felt broken yet whole at the same time. Getting everything off my chest did help, but it also helped to have him share some of his darker memories and secrets, too. There was no need to be afraid to open up because he understood me more than I realized, he even offered some great advice that I hadn’t received before. “It’s like you’re in a movie theater, but there’s only one seat. It’s just you. And next to you is a projector with all those painful memories, on repeat, and you just keep watching, which makes you upset and takes you to this darker place. It’s called Rumination.” (Down at the bottom I will add a link for tips on how you can stop ruminating).

After his explanation of rumination and how to combat it, it helped me realize that despite what I encountered in my past, what was done to me or what I had done to others, I needed to use those moments as learning opportunities and accept that I cannot change the past. I can address it, learn from it, and let go of what isn’t in my control.

What is in my control is the ability to forgive. It isn’t the easiest thing to do, especially when you have to sit with those unaddressed emotions to work through them, but holding onto animosity over the past is much harder to manage. I would rather let go of that pain and negativity to truly heal than allow myself to remain a prisoner to things that are out of my control.

 

*Click here for “8 Tips to Help Stop Ruminating”, if you need it.*

 

My Spiritual Awakening: Realizations and Continued Struggles

(Before you read: This is just one of many posts I will be making regarding this topic. This was more of an introduction post than anything else. My apologies if I word vomit in this post, I just needed to write this down and publish it or I would have continued to put it off.)

I shuffled my new, large deck of chakra reading cards in my hands as I inhaled a deep

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Credit: Diona Leigh

breath, asking what it is I should write about. I shuffled the cards until I felt it was time to stop, then pulled a “Spiritual Awakening” card. I wasn’t sure how to write about it so I figured I would write what came to heart. Before I begin, I am not an expert in any of this. I have no idea what it is I could call myself, but the point is I’m feeling more myself the more I accept this part of my life.  When I do it is with good intentions. There will be people in life that do not believe in any of this, while others throw themselves into the point of no return. As for me, I’m staying in my lane, doing what I need to do for myself and my improvement. I’m not here to make people believe me, I’m solely sharing my experiences.

 

As a child, before double digits, I would overhear my family members talking about tarot, psychics, spirits, and all of that relating to the supernatural. There was one conversation I overheard a psychic telling my family members that I have a special gift. After that, I get a talk about how I could have gifts when I get older and how these so-called gifts run in our family. It was confusing at first because I didn’t exactly comprehend what was being said, but as I got older, things began to make sense.

There were moments I would feel myself becoming too emotional, so, to cope, I would shut off my emotions altogether. It turns out I pick up on others’ feelings, then I feel what they feel (as well as my feelings) and it would bring me down. There were also dreams I would have growing up where they would make no sense and leave me confused. Now that I am older and able to analyze/reflect on my dreams, they appear to have themes and messages within the chaos. Another thing was my gut feeling. Whenever I had a strong gut feeling, I was always told by family to listen to it. When I did, I avoided awful things such as run-ins with LEO’s when my friends were up to no good or accidents happened that could have been worse than bumps and bruises.

Later on in life, I found out my aunt did things like Candle Magic and could see things that others couldn’t, and my great-great-grandmother was able to read shells and read smoke from a cigar.

I wanted no part in any of these things. It made me feel like a freak for even knowing about these things and I still feel that way at times. It sounds completely ridiculous, but I guess that’s what happens when things are too complicated to understand. Being the person that I am, I prefer when things make sense. But, I have come to realize as more time passes and the harder I fight it, the worse I feel in every way. Lately, I have been more accepting of it and I have been feeling more at ease and more balanced

Credit: Hans Vivek

With that being said, this doesn’t mean I believe or worship a devil or other gods. If others do, that is their prerogative. I believe in God, I believe in Jesus, and I believe that our ancestors and spirit guides play a role in our lives with the help of the higher-ups (haha).

One of the main reasons I had issues with accepting these things was due to Catholic school and reading the bible, and being taught these things so-called gifts were against God. Now that I’m older and have reflected a lot on the matter, I’ve come to the conclusion to stick with my instincts and have a relationship with God that works for me and my spirit in this life journey. I shouldn’t worry about what others are thinking or saying because it shouldn’t matter. What matters is what I do in my life, what type of person I am in this world and how I can use what gifts I have to help find healing in life, whether it be someone else’s life or my own.