It’s been a while..

It has been a while since I have written here, or in general, and there are many reasons behind it. I cannot fully explain everything in this moment, but what I can say is that I have been suffering slowly for months now. There have been so many difficulties with personal family drama, major depression, a great loss and a total disregard for self care.

Throughout these struggles, my partner helped me with the most simple advice he could ever give, “Get your head out of your own ass.” Sure, that doesn’t sound very sweet and caring, but it is true. I allow things to swallow me whole and I get lost in my own mind, thinking of the what if’s without even getting up out of bed. I allow fear to paralyze me. I forget that despite how awful things may be, or feel, things could be worse. There are others going through so much worse than I am yet I’m sulking with depression feeling sorry for myself.

The truth is, things get hard in life. Somethings happen in our lives that are not fair or can be traumatic. It can take time to overcome the hardships, but it is crucial to remember that the hardships are temporary. Things do get better. There is a light at the end of, what feels like, a never ending tunnel. In this world filled with so much darkness, we need to be our own light in our lives. No one will do it for us.

With all that being said, I hope to make a comeback here with an updated site design, name, everything. I need to start fresh and really build something to not only be proud of, but will hopefully help others who struggle navigating this life as I do.

Depression took charge

Credit: Dmitry Schemelev

There were many aspects of my life that were in need of change in order to better myself and my future. I began to make said changes by eating healthier, going to therapy, exercising, and taking anti-depressants. Barely two months in and my depression charged back into my life with fury and resolve. It was as if it knew I was attempting to do things for the better and it was determined to keep me in the dark, where it thrives.
I stopped going to the gym, bad eating habits came back, I stopped communicating with my online therapist, my medication wasn’t being taken daily… I wanted to do nothing. In the back of my thoughts I would tell myself how unhealthy it was to revert back to my familiar habits, but my depression took charge once again. Things got so bad mentally that it was beginning to terrify me.
This week I hit that place (again) where I need to get this crap situated in my life. I’m in my late twenties and I need to look forward, even when I’m being dragged back in the waters of hopelessness. I have an appointment, face to face, with a therapist today that I met with about a year ago. I liked speaking with her, but she was too far away at the time and has since relocated. Here’s to hoping I can get back to where I was and stay on course because I’m really starting to feel like there’s no real way out of this dance with depression.