It has been a while since I have written here, or in general, and there are many reasons behind it. I cannot fully explain everything in this moment, but what I can say is that I have been suffering slowly for months now. There have been so many difficulties with personal family drama, major depression, a great loss and a total disregard for self care.
Throughout these struggles, my partner helped me with the most simple advice he could ever give, “Get your head out of your own ass.” Sure, that doesn’t sound very sweet and caring, but it is true. I allow things to swallow me whole and I get lost in my own mind, thinking of the what if’s without even getting up out of bed. I allow fear to paralyze me. I forget that despite how awful things may be, or feel, things could be worse. There are others going through so much worse than I am yet I’m sulking with depression feeling sorry for myself.
The truth is, things get hard in life. Somethings happen in our lives that are not fair or can be traumatic. It can take time to overcome the hardships, but it is crucial to remember that the hardships are temporary. Things do get better. There is a light at the end of, what feels like, a never ending tunnel. In this world filled with so much darkness, we need to be our own light in our lives. No one will do it for us.
With all that being said, I hope to make a comeback here with an updated site design, name, everything. I need to start fresh and really build something to not only be proud of, but will hopefully help others who struggle navigating this life as I do.
When I woke up this morning, I felt nothing but a blizzard of emotions. My anxiety began rising, my fears latched onto me, and my self-doubt devoured me. I found myself slipping back into dark, destructive thoughts. My comforter enveloped me; I had no intention of leaving my bed. It was warm, safe. As I began to rationalize my unwillingness to get out of bed, there was an abrupt pause within my mind.
“You want to make these changes, yet you’re reverting into bad habits. Are you moving forward or are you content with being stagnant?”
That question sparked a flame within me, yet I remained doubtful. The overwhelming emotions continued; I wanted to sink beneath the covers. I was preparing to accept defeat when the flame suddenly ignited into an inferno. I knew I had to do something quickly before I changed my mind. I threw the comforter off myself and shot upright in bed, making sure I wouldn’t hide from the world.
Inhale in; exhale out.
I repeated the actions until I felt a sense of calm, then I took hold of my cards. With one hand holding the cards, the other rested atop them; I closed my eyes to pray, asking for guidance and clarity. Each draw of the cards sparked different feelings, but I wasn’t sure what to make of the spread as a whole.
Inhale in; exhale out.
My focus remained on the spread as I attempted to decipher it, but I struggled for a moment. Confusion showered me. I couldn’t understand the messages being relayed to me until I realized what I was doing wrong. My need to control the situation was holding me back. As I read the cards, I was trying to figure it out on my own by analyzing each one for their literal meanings. It wasn’t until I released control of the situation that the messages became clear.
(Card #1) Relationships: Whether it’s with my partner, my family, or my friends, I need to take time to nurture those relationships. I also need to nurture my relationship with myself. I have to work on being more positive with my behavior and view myself in an honest light.
(Card #2) Balance: There’s somewhere in my life where I need to achieve balance. I need to focus on what needs more attention and realize what I have been focusing too much on. I have to learn to let go to achieve the abundance that balance can offer in my life.
(Card #3) Psychic Development: I need to continue developing my gifts, connecting to my higher self will provide the answers to my questions. It will additionally develop new wisdom not just for myself, but for others, too. I need to nurture the process and my gifts.
(Base Card; Back of the pile) Holistic Health: I need to release what no longer serves me and focus on the positive changes my mind, body, and spirit are calling me to do. I am the only person who can create healing in my life that I need.
After dissecting the message, I released a heavy breath of relief. Once again, my mind was clear. I felt at ease, knowing I’m on the right path and doing what needs to be done. It’s easy to overlook the significant progress I’ve made over this last year, but I thank God for the reminder and I thank myself for being open to listening.
There were many aspects of my life that were in need of change in order to better myself and my future. I began to make said changes by eating healthier, going to therapy, exercising, and taking anti-depressants. Barely two months in and my depression charged back into my life with fury and resolve. It was as if it knew I was attempting to do things for the better and it was determined to keep me in the dark, where it thrives.
I stopped going to the gym, bad eating habits came back, I stopped communicating with my online therapist, my medication wasn’t being taken daily… I wanted to do nothing. In the back of my thoughts I would tell myself how unhealthy it was to revert back to my familiar habits, but my depression took charge once again. Things got so bad mentally that it was beginning to terrify me.
This week I hit that place (again) where I need to get this crap situated in my life. I’m in my late twenties and I need to look forward, even when I’m being dragged back in the waters of hopelessness. I have an appointment, face to face, with a therapist today that I met with about a year ago. I liked speaking with her, but she was too far away at the time and has since relocated. Here’s to hoping I can get back to where I was and stay on course because I’m really starting to feel like there’s no real way out of this dance with depression.
Yesterday was a rough one for me. I hadn’t slept well the night prior and my mood was beyond foul. My depression had returned with a vengeance. On top of that, work was full of annoying, trivial issues that wouldn’t have gotten to me on a normal day but I was experiencing unnecessary anger. I tried to keep myself focused on positive thoughts to ease the irritation that continued to build.
As the day carried on I was craving a cigarette badly. I couldn’t stand that familiar feeling of hovering gloom; my skin felt like it was crawling. The desperation for relief was real and I was determined to get that cigarette to help calm me down.
I felt the same the rest of the day until I made my way home.
I made a mental note as I drove by the bodega near my house that I could buy a loosey, since I only wanted one cigarette versus a pack. The downside was the price went up from $.50 to $1, per loosey. I was genuinely contemplating it.
Once I made it home and thought it over, I told myself to wait before walking to the bodega. I had cooking and cleaning to do, so with my mind made up, I opted to do those things before heading out. I was determined to get everything done in order to leave. That was the deal I made with myself.
After completing my tasks I immediately jumped into my workouts.
By the time I finished, I made my honey lavender tea and felt a hell of a lot better. It was the best I felt that entire day.
After taking my shower, I settled in and got into bed. It was then that I realized I never went out to get my cigarette. Instead of reverting back to my old habits of smoking to escape, I went along with my new, healthier methods and they prevailed.
I need to remember for future matters that just because I was feeling desperate to ease the frustration doesn’t mean I have to throw myself back into old practices. I am moving forward with healthier approaches that are clearly proving to be helpful. Why subject myself to going backward? That’s pretty thoughtless.
Today I can say I am almost two weeks cigarette free.
I have a lot of personal issues I am working through with a therapist due to an abundance of factors in my past. I try to tell myself to leave the negative portions of my
past where it belongs, then thoughts of said moments make me slip into a downward spiral of depression and terrible choices. It wasn’t until recently that I made the decision
to put my foot down and not allow these things to control me. I had to remind myself whether the moments of my past were good or bad, it still led me to where I am in this moment and I should feel some gratitude for that.
Sure, I can feel a certain way about things and get help from my therapist on how to address my feelings in a healthier manner, but I can’t disregard those damaging moments altogether either. Instead of burying the bad, or hiding from it, I can use those moments as learning experiences for how to handle difficult situations in the future.
Why be a victim of the past when the future can be dominated?