It’s been a while..

It has been a while since I have written here, or in general, and there are many reasons behind it. I cannot fully explain everything in this moment, but what I can say is that I have been suffering slowly for months now. There have been so many difficulties with personal family drama, major depression, a great loss and a total disregard for self care.

Throughout these struggles, my partner helped me with the most simple advice he could ever give, “Get your head out of your own ass.” Sure, that doesn’t sound very sweet and caring, but it is true. I allow things to swallow me whole and I get lost in my own mind, thinking of the what if’s without even getting up out of bed. I allow fear to paralyze me. I forget that despite how awful things may be, or feel, things could be worse. There are others going through so much worse than I am yet I’m sulking with depression feeling sorry for myself.

The truth is, things get hard in life. Somethings happen in our lives that are not fair or can be traumatic. It can take time to overcome the hardships, but it is crucial to remember that the hardships are temporary. Things do get better. There is a light at the end of, what feels like, a never ending tunnel. In this world filled with so much darkness, we need to be our own light in our lives. No one will do it for us.

With all that being said, I hope to make a comeback here with an updated site design, name, everything. I need to start fresh and really build something to not only be proud of, but will hopefully help others who struggle navigating this life as I do.

Reverting back does not prevail

Yesterday was a rough one for me. I hadn’t slept well the night prior and my mood was beyond foul. My depression had returned with a vengeance. On top of that, work was full of annoying, trivial issues that wouldn’t have gotten to me on a normal day but I was experiencing unnecessary anger. I tried to keep myself focused on positive thoughts to ease the irritation that continued to build.

As the day carried on I was craving a cigarette badly. I couldn’t stand that familiar feeling of hovering gloom; my skin felt like it was crawling. The desperation for relief was real and I was determined to get that cigarette to help calm me down.

I felt the same the rest of the day until I made my way home.

photo-1495996146452-1737b3678c78
Credit: Ehimetalor Unuabona

I made a mental note as I drove by the bodega near my house that I could buy a loosey, since I only wanted one cigarette versus a pack. The downside was the price went up from $.50 to $1, per loosey. I was genuinely contemplating it.

Once I made it home and thought it over, I told myself to wait before walking to the bodega. I had cooking and cleaning to do, so with my mind made up, I opted to do those things before heading out. I was determined to get everything done in order to leave. That was the deal I made with myself.

After completing my tasks I immediately jumped into my workouts.

By the time I finished, I made my honey lavender tea and felt a hell of a lot better. It was the best I felt that entire day.

After taking my shower, I settled in and got into bed. It was then that I realized I never went out to get my cigarette. Instead of reverting back to my old habits of smoking to escape, I went along with my new, healthier methods and they prevailed.

I need to remember for future matters that just because I was feeling desperate to ease the frustration doesn’t mean I have to throw myself back into old practices. I am moving forward with healthier approaches that are clearly proving to be helpful. Why subject myself to going backward? That’s pretty thoughtless.

Today I can say I am almost two weeks cigarette free.

Oh, and I didn’t waste a dollar!