From Muddled Thoughts to Certainty

Lately, my focus has been on healing old wounds that I’ve held onto the majority of my life, the fears that continue to smother me, the insecurities that persist on plaguing me and the self-love that I’ve been neglecting. I reached a point where I believed I was making significant progress, I was feeling better than I had in a while. Then everything began hitting me when I was filling out job applications and doing telephone interviews. I was heading down the familiar path to an idle life.

Going through the applications and landing interviews should be something to be grateful for, other people in the world pray to have the opportunities I’ve been receiving, but I want to do more in life than sitting at a desk working a 9 to 5 and settling for a paycheck just to get by.

I need more in my life, my soul needs more.

As I sat on my bed with my muddled thoughts, I began to breathe. Slow deep breaths in, slower breaths out. After repeating my concentrated breaths with closed my eyes, gave thanks and prayed. Once my prayers were completed I pulled out my cards and began to shuffle them, asking aloud what it was I needed to know, what I needed to acknowledge to move forward from this point in life, I asked for clarity, then I drew the cards.

Credit: Jared Rice

My eyes carefully examined the spread before me. I held each card and analyzed it, making sure to study the design work and the feeling each one gave me. The cards pulled were lying on the bed in front of me, I began to interpret the meaning of the spread with the clarity I was seeking and it almost took my breath away. It turns out I had only scratched the surface on the things I had been focusing on.

To truly heal myself, my inner child, I had to dig deep and find a way to forgive myself, not just others. I had to forgive myself for not taking care of myself, for not trusting or loving myself. For allowing others to put me down and for putting myself down. For giving up on myself and my dreams with such ease. The situations I put myself in due to fear or self-loathing… I forgive myself; everything done has brought me here, at this moment, to these realizations.

The other cards revealed I needed to use my inner strength and my determination to achieve my purpose in life. It’s to help people. That may be the most cliche response, but it’s what I need to do. I feel it in my gut, in my bones, but most importantly my heart. It was a feeling of certainty that suddenly seized me and relief overwhelmed me. I’m not sure what I will be doing for work and what I am going to do for a “paycheck”, but I’m not worried about it anymore. I want to help people and I need to help people. If I can help others while I’m maneuvering these journey’s in my life, that’s more than what any check can provide me.

I still have a ways to go, but for the first time I feel confident in a time when there is so much uncertainty hovering. I’m on the right path without any doubts. Now, the real healing has begun.

Thank you for reading.

God Bless xo

Author: dionamleigh

I'm in my late twenties. Mixed race. Former caffeine addict. I love writing and reading. I'm well rounded when it comes to my taste in music. My mind is a cluster of random thoughts. That helps the creativity, right?

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